What Now?

My good friend said to me, “You’re acting as if you’re defeated.”
“You’re right,” I said.
She furrowed her eyebrows.
“Stop.”

Two of my good friends just came home from their respectable institutions. One finished Northeastern, the other finished an internship with the Red Sox. Both back in San Diego, they have been applying and searching and sharing information. Though they are overwhelmed and ask, “What now?” - they are proactive and prepare themselves to answer that question as soon as possible.

When I ask myself “What now?” nothing jumps at me. There is a listlessness, this lethargic … satisfaction in my current state. This dull disinclination to employ myself. (Thank you Emma). And I am jealous of my fresh-out-of-college/jobs friends who are talented, motivated, and focused.

Deep in my heart I know there is so much for me to do, so much I know I can do, and yet I do not know how to get there, and therefore cannot grasp any excitement to drive me towards those goals.

Truth is, we all want results at the snap of our fingers. SNAP – there’s my pot of gold. CLAP – look I’m saving children in Africa.

But obviously it doesn’t work that way. You have to find the transportation, gold digging equipment, and prime location in Sacramento to pan for gold. You need to research the NGO, buy the plane ticket, and get the Hep B shot before you save lives in Tanzania.

Reality = steps.

To conquer defeat: My Big Bro D – a gentleman from my improv group – says to break down your goals so they seem more tangible. What do you want to accomplish in a year? In three months? In one month? If you work backwards, you’ll have a better sense of how you can accomplish a year’s goal step by step, month by month, and therefore day by day.

Exhibit A:
I will pay off my $X student loans this year. To do so I am going to get a job by the end of this month, so everyday this week I am going to submit a resume. And so on.

This post itself is kicking my butt and telling me to get going.

In the meantime, I am going to give a shoutout to EMMA and all the people involved. (Playing at the Old Globe Theatre in San Diego until March 6th). Thank you for showing me I am meant to be in theat-ah.